awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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