Your face is a jimmy john
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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