M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
