you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im holly from the hills drunk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
