yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I am available for nakedness
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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