woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
