well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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