Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
