I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
