found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
