Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
