I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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