my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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