I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
