complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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