girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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