Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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