$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
