My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
