Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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