Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
