i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
