I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
