I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
