Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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