no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
