I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
