What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
