Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
