This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
