he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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