Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
