The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
