Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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