It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
