his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
