You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
