i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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