mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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