Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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