So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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