I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
