I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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