1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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