Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
