I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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