just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's official drugs can't kill me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We smell like vodka and hangover
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