puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
