Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
