I wanna passion pit in your ass
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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